The foremost question about assholes: were they born that way, or raised like that? Do they result from nature or nurture?

Mature, seasoned assholes know the exact asshole thing to do without having to be told or to think about it. Being an asshole is at their fingertips. How did they achieve such flawless technique? Is there an asshole manual they consult? An asshole code they have memorized? An asshole bar exam they must pass? Or are they naturals?

A former US president once quipped that half of world leaders belong in mental institutions. Did he mean they were assholes? Probably. Imagine a former US president who was not famous, not for a single minute after he left office, though he lived on for years. He must be an asshole, right? But what counts as a former president being “alive”? Having an ugly library named after him and a byline on a ghostwritten book doesn’t cut it. But if he knows an asshole when he sees one, he may still need a knee replacement.

How to Determine in Seconds if Some Guy Is an Asshole

You approach the guy and he says, “I was just talking about you.” (Except he’s alone and wasn’t talking at all.)

You approach him and a bunch of his friends, and out of the blue he says, “Isn’t that right, Morgan?” (assuming your name is Morgan). This catches you off guard, since you didn’t hear what came before that. But needless to say he and his friends weren’t talking about anything in particular, and wouldn’t be interested in your opinion if they were.

The guy approaches you while shouting your name, though he has never spoken to you before, and asks, “What do you know about non-financial employee incentives as an approach to decreasing overtime payouts?” when your job is to replace lightbulbs! Of course you have no answer to this; the whole point of the question is to disarm you and reduce you to helpless sputtering. Assholes are ready with carefully crafted questions like this to make you feel shitty about yourself.

As we know from reading or watching the movie versions of such timeless books as Moby–Dick and The Caine Mutiny, there isn’t much you can do once an asshole outranks you and you are at his or her mercy, especially in the US Navy or aboard a nineteenth-century whaling vessel. Even though it was clear to the crew of the Pequod that their captain, Ahab, was an obsessive-compulsive and limb-deficient asshole, if not an agent of the Devil, all anyone could do was build a waterproof coffin like the harpooneer Queequeg did, and hope when the ship sank into the unfathomable depths, as it must, his body might remain afloat. “Captains (Assholes) is the law,” was the verdict of second mate Stubb before he went under, in the movie where Gregory Peck played Ahab. Stubb was explaining why he wouldn’t take part in a mutiny.

The maritime asshole commanding the Pequod magically reappeared aboard the USS Caine during World War II, this time under the name of Captain Queeg. The Caine’s crew waited impatiently for the unstable and irascible Queeg, a near flawless asshole, to commit an act of such pure assholeness as would at once cost him his command. But that definitive moment never arrived, not even when Queeg gave orders during a storm that might have sunk his ship. Countermanding those orders, the ship’s officers exposed themselves to a charge of mutiny. They might all have hanged had Queeg not gone stark raving mad at their hearing and noisily rolled steel ball bearings in his hand. The handling of ball bearings is a well-known sign of an asshole, so be alert to it.

But if the asshole you are now associated with does not outrank you, but is a mere coworker and peer, you have many opportunities to defend yourself, as follows.

What an asshole will do, at the first opportunity, is tell you their life story. This, their life, is what fascinates them above all else, and you are invited, often with some not-so-gentle arm-twisting, to share in the spectacle. Do not sit calmly and listen. The purpose of the telling is, above all else, to convince you that they are a fascinating personality with qualities far superior to and more interesting than your own petty characteristics. While this may unfortunately be true, your task is to show defiance and demonstrate that only an asshole would bore someone to death by the torture they have in mind. Claim to be busy and leave immediately, or, if you miss your chance and they have already begun the interminable saga, say “I need air” no later than the description of how they lost their virginity, then get up and walk away. “Does this come with an intermission?” also works. Above all, don’t forget to depart, leaving the asshole with egg on his face. Repeat this performance until the asshole takes a vow of silence.

Do assholes lack something essentially human, such as empathy, or do they have extra non-human parts that make them assholes? Too much uric acid or an asshole organ, maybe?

Miguel Montego, age 8, is a recognized asshole prodigy. The third grader already has a reputation for lying, cheating, and petty theft. Many expect him to be a future asshole of note, and he is already a better asshole than grown men many times his size and age. No one knows how to stop him, and as a result the admiration for him grows.

More questions: do we need assholes? Do they serve a purpose? Is it inevitable that our leaders, politicians and bosses, be assholes? What advantages do assholes have in obtaining positions of leadership and power? Remember, assholes are so rare that hardly anyone has one, and those with only two hope to acquire more. To be plain, even assholes have assholes. Who is more likely to run for public office, self-sacrificing workhorses who believe in improving mankind, or self-aggrandizing blowhards who lust for power? The question answers itself. Polling day is elect-an-ass day.

Some categories of assholes: A natural-born asshole is one who is genetically predisposed to becoming an asshole, like an alcoholic is prone to drink. A self-made asshole is one who looks at himself in the mirror and says, “I’m not asshole enough. I can do better,” and studies up on it. A prefrontal asshole is an asshole whose personality only a lobotomy can change. One who is designated to fill a position for which all past designees have been assholes is a presumptive asshole.

Other categories: A Stage 4 asshole is one who lives and will die an asshole. A Category 5 asshole is a raging, unrelenting asshole, which truly is the only kind. There is no such thing as being a bit of an asshole or a semi-asshole. If you’re an asshole, as likely you are, you’re 100 percent asshole, every bit of you, always.

A Girl Dreams: I hope someday my boyfriend might become less of an asshole. Maybe then he’ll learn intimacy. Sex will improve his health, and a little analingus might improve his breath.

What restrains an asshole from inflicting physical abuse on you is that it’s unnecessary. The abusee already feels the boot on his rump and does nothing. He fears confrontation more than he minds appearing helpless.

A Once Elite Neighborhood: A Saga of Assholes

“Excuse me, stranger, but do you know anything about this neighborhood?”

“Yes,” replies the truthful stranger. “Over there live the ruined Smiths. The Smith family was once wealthy and powerful, and even the ne’er-do-well scion Teddy Smith was a millionaire. But after the crash, you know the one I mean, they are ruined, and as you can see by the sign in their yard, their mansion is for sale at a ridiculously low price. The once mighty Smiths are now assholes.

“Across the street from the ruined Smiths are the destroyed Willises. They were once as affluent and celebrated as the Smiths, until the big reckoning, you know what I’m talking about. Down the street from the destroyed Willises are the demolished Reeds, a family of renown until the recent reset, you’re familiar with that.

“Across the way from the demolished Reeds are the decimated Wheelers, prominent until last year’s upheaval, you get my drift. And behind the decimated Wheelers are the crushed Robinsons, immense influencers until the grand leveling, as it’s called, who live right next door to the deleted Felsons.

“All these once distinguished people are now bartenders. Yes, yes, everyone here, (waving his hand to include the entire neighborhood and the whole world) is a bartender, or knows a bartender. A few of them are bouncers, true, but most are bartenders. What really matters, though, is that they’re all assholes who pass their days in bars.”

The ethos keeps evolving, and it’s probably correct to say that all people were assholes until the present day, and that now only some are, though undoubtedly most. From what history tells us, the Sumerians, the Babylonians, the Chaldeans, the Etruscans, all were assholes. All ancient races were bands of assholes and became extinct for that reason. That blabbering old Greek was such an asshole they made him drink poison. The Founding Fathers were assholes, ask anybody around today.

Signs That You’re Working for an Asshole

Maria Smith of Ohio says, “I noticed a red cardinal moved into my backyard and chased out all the other birds. Soon the cardinal was lording it over every creature in my yard, the dogs, cats, coyotes, raccoons, squirrels, spiders, everything. That’s when I knew my new boss was going to be an asshole.”

In a follow-up two weeks later, Maria reports, “My new boss came up to me on the line and said, ‘Look, sweetheart, I’m a man, and I have all the attributes of a man, but I’m also a woman with a woman’s heart and sensitivity. What say we fall by my pad after work and rub our pork patties together?’ I mean, isn’t that an asshole?”

A Real-Life Story About Assholes: The Elevator

Pete stands by the elevator in a lobby. He pushes a button. A light shows that the elevator is above him, and he patiently waits. Soon he is joined by Blanche. Neither speaks or regards the other. Blanche checks the light showing the elevator still above them, and impatiently waits. Without a word she suddenly breaks away and turns down a hallway where she is no longer visible to Pete. After watching her go, Pete again checks the light and stares at the closed elevator door.

The door opens revealing an empty elevator. Pete boards and presses a floor button. Right before the door closes a breathless Blanche jumps in, then stands on the side of the elevator opposite Pete. She presses a floor button on the panel on that side and looks closely at Pete.

“Why didn’t you come get me?” she says.

“What?” says Pete, looking at her. He fumbles for words. “What do you mean?”

“I just went down the hall for a minute. Why didn’t you let me know the elevator was here?”

“I didn’t know where you went. I couldn’t see you.”

“I was right there, waiting for the elevator.”

“Right where? For all I knew, you changed your mind and left.”

“No, you could have told me. All you had to do was take a few steps and look around the corner, and there I was.”

“I could have done that, sure, and I would have if you’d asked me to come get you. But you didn’t say a word to me, did you?”

“I shouldn’t have to say anything to you.”

“For all I knew, you left the building.”

“All you had to do was stick your head around the corner to see.”

“Well, maybe, but you know, you’re not my responsibility. You shouldn’t count on me going out of my way for you. You’re old enough to take care of yourself, I think.”

“That’s going out of your way? It’s asking too much of you?”

“It isn’t asking much at all, but again, you didn’t ask. You presumed on me.”

“Like I asked you to donate a lung to me, or some money.”

“It was proper to ask. Asking would show consideration. Also, you know, it didn’t make any difference. You came back in time for the elevator, so I don’t see that you have anything to complain about. Why are you even bringing this up?”

“It’s common courtesy, don’t you get that?”

“And what’s the worst that could have happened? You miss the elevator and then you have to wait, what, two minutes for the next one? That doesn’t strike me as a massive hardship.”

“I’m running late for an appointment, you know. I could have been late.”

“And that would be my fault, I see. Well, I’ll think about it.”

“Think about what? What do you mean, you’ll think about it?”

“Whether I should have gone looking for you after you left without saying anything. Whether I had a moral responsibility to do that without being asked, or whether you were imposing on me.”

“Yeah, well, you think about it.”

“I will.”

“You’re an asshole.”

The elevator stops at a floor and, as both have pressed the same number, Pete allows her to exit first. Blanche charges out, and Pete follows at some distance. “What an asshole,” he says to himself.

Can a Dog Be an Asshole?

My dog was a highly strung mixed breed. In my car on the way to the vet, its nervous tension caused half its hair to fall out. The fur spread all over my car, even on the mirror, and I was spitting it out of my mouth as I drove. At the vet’s the skittish animal somehow managed to defecate on the ceiling. The dog was an asshole. Later the vet asked me what I fed the dog. I told him McDonald’s hamburgers when I felt he deserved a treat. Giving me a severe look, the vet said, “You’re joking.” I wasn’t and told him so. The vet was an asshole too.

Another Real-Life Story about Assholes: The Buffet

Ralph enters a restaurant shortly before noon. Inside he finds a self-service buffet where food is displayed in a row of water-heated pans, the plates and cutlery stacked up front. The line of customers is three or four deep, but moves steadily, and already many of the tables are taken. The intoxicating aromas indicate a spicy cuisine. Ralph observes the food and service line from a short distance as if making up his mind. Cary, a manager and waiter, approaches him.

“Please have a seat and help yourself,” says Cary. “Did you want anything besides water to drink?”

“I have a question about the rice,” says Ralph. “Is it fresh?”

“The rice was made fresh this morning for our lunch buffet. All our food is served fresh.”

“This morning you say. Well, well. How long has that rice been sitting there?”

“We opened for lunch at 11:30, so all the food has been on the service line for (consults watch) fifteen minutes.”

Ralph consults his watch and says, “More like twenty minutes. I like my rice made fresh for me, and brought kitchen to table, not getting stale in a pan on a service line.”

“The rice isn’t stale, sir, it was made minutes ago. But you can order a freshly prepared dish of rice from our menu if you prefer. If you’d care to take a seat, I’ll take your order.”

“But I came here for the buffet. I only want to pay the buffet price, $8.99.”

“In that case you would need to take from the buffet. Specially prepared rice will cost you more, since it involves more work. You can order a specially prepared dish of rice like you see on the buffet for $10.99.”

“The same rice? I have to pay more for the same rice to get it fresh?”

“Tell you what. Fifteen minutes from now the kitchen will be adding a freshly prepared pan of rice to the buffet, because rice goes fast. If you want to wait fifteen minutes, you can do that. But please don’t take a table unless you order something. We lose business if you take a table and don’t order anything.”

“I don’t want anything except fresh rice at the buffet price. The buffet rice isn’t fresh.”

“Then please come back in about fifteen minutes. You will find fresh rice on the buffet and a table will open up for you.”

“You’re not going to serve me what I want? You’re an asshole.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way, but why don’t you leave and come back in fifteen minutes? Maybe by then you won’t be such an asshole.”

Three Questions From the AAT (Asshole Aptitude Test)*:

1) When dealing with underlings at work or elsewhere, you should never a) speak slowly and softly b) appear to like them c) recognize their intelligence, training, or aptitude for the job c) deal with them ever again.

2) When singled out for praise, you should always a) act as if the earth has shifted on its axis to a more favorable position b) gaze at your teammates as though they are an inferior species c) laugh uncontrollably for no reason d) focus on getting a promotion e) invent a new sex position.

3) When something goes wrong, you should a) come up with a solution for next time that only you understand and find workable b) acknowledge your responsibility to the extent that you were busy doing something else more important c) name as scapegoats those who are clearly innocent and who counted on your support d) start talking like Mister Ed.

Test Your General Knowledge of Assholes:

You will always find this in the home of an asshole: a) a personal shrine where they worship themselves b) an envelope of their fingernail clippings going back to high school days c) a jar containing their baby teeth d) another jar containing their surgically removed appendix e) a plastic bag containing their shorn blonde baby curls f) a shoebox lined with cotton containing some of their remarkably well-preserved turds going back to age 5 g) all of the above, plus a blue ribbon they won for perfect attendance in the fourth grade.

If you finished reading this piece, you’re a remarkably fine person. If you didn’t, you’re an asshole.

*The author is an asshole too, and so the correct responses are not marked. There likely aren’t any correct responses.

END